Before You Know It

I am certainly not a person who doesn’t realize the value of the present. When I began college at Villanova, my orientation counselor, a senior, said to me:

“These will be the best four years of your life. Cherish every second. Sooner than you know, it will be over, your friends will move away, and the real world will begin.”

During college, I thought about this phrase every day. Every pound of my foot on the pavement, every crowded car ride to the local bar, every night spent with my roommates Dan and Julie in our Ardmore apartment, with the leaky bathroom ceiling and wild mushrooms growing in the living room, laughing and reminiscing over a huge pot of paella and wine – I burned each moment into permanent remembrance. My inner monologue constantly reminded me, “Cherish this time. Life will not be like this forever.”

Four lightening-fast years later, I’m shivering in the spitting rain on the football field at graduation, gripping the hand of my future husband, tears dripping down my face, unsure of what life had in store for me. Those four years were fleeting, but the memories that I have will last a lifetime.

To this day I still follow the advice of the orientation counselor. Only now it has become even more significant as I learn how to raise my son. I just spent sixty nine days at home with Connor and every minute of those sixty nine days I cherished, even the ones filled with crying and misbehaving toddler. Even those I loved. We spent so many beautiful summer days together, at the zoo, at the park, running errands. Despite not being a morning person in any sense of the term, I loved feeding Connor his early morning breakfast of fruit and cereal while I sipped my coffee. I loved the long walks to the playground, the afternoons in the baby pool, the play time in his room. I am so grateful to have had this time with him.

These days with Connor didn’t necessarily go by quickly, but as I think about the last fifteen months and I look at what a little kid Connor is becoming, I can’t even believe that the time has flown by like it has. The older I get, the faster time goes by, and the harder I work to live in the present, and file away my memories, one by one. It’s still a daily challenge for me to not let my anxiety or fears about the future get in the way of the present. It’s a struggle that I’ve admitted to and have taken proactive steps to fix. I know that anxiety will always be a part of motherhood and will always be a part of who I am, but in learning to control my anxiety and keep it from overwhelming me, I am also learning to be a better mother and to appreciate Connor for the unique little person that he truly is.

…For all too soon, I will be sitting in the bleachers of football field at some graduation somewhere, gripping the hand of my husband, tears dripping down my face, watching the little boy that we’ve raised, turn into a man…