Anyone who is close to me knows that three years ago, I was in a dark place. It is mind-boggling for me to think about how happy I am now compared to how I was feeling three years ago – lost, alone, and sad. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to motherhood and I let my fear and anxiety overcome me.
My mind was so focused on catastrophic events that could possibly happen one day in the future because of something that I did or didn’t do that I wasn’t focused on the present. In short, I couldn’t “carpe diem.” Far from it. I was so worried about ridiculous things that might happen years from now that I would go out with the baby and forget to bring so much as a diaper or a wipe. I wasn’t enjoying life and I wasn’t present for my son.
Unprepared for day-to-day life, I felt like a horrible mother, but I knew that I loved this little boy more than anything I had ever loved on this earth. I tried to be perfect, but I was so far from it. I wanted Connor to be happy and to have a perfect life. I knew that I could be better. I had to get better for my son.
I realize now that Connor doesn’t need a “perfect” mom or a “perfect” life. And I've also realized that life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. What Connor needs from me is love, support, and guidance – a kiss when he falls, a hug when he’s sad, encouragement when he fails, and celebration when he succeeds. And I have given that to him. And I will continue to give all of that to him for as long as I live.
Over the years I have learned how to manage my anxiety better, but more than that what has helped me get better is seeing Connor grow into the amazing and wonderful and smart little boy that he is. I couldn’t live my life without him.
The sense of impending doom is finally gone and those dark clouds have blown away.
I hate that I wasted so much time in my life feeling sad and worrying about events that I couldn’t control. But all that I can do now is pick myself up and move on from here, trying to create a beautiful life with my family, and my two incredible children, Connor and Lila. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us, as a family. I know that good things are ahead.
Here is a look back at the last three years:
Happy birthday to the little boy who turned me into a mommy!
For as much as I have taught you, you have taught me more about life than I could ever learn on my own.
